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Melina noticed them too, becauseafter she secured a blue nylon cape behind my neck, she picked up herpack and lit one."Oh, would you like a cigarette while I do your hair, Nancy?" Melinaasked as she handed me her pack."Yes, I would but..." Nancy smokes menthol," Mom said as she picked up my purse from the floorand fished out my cigarette case.My head spun with dizziness as Mom placed a cigarette between my lips andlit it for me. If I had to describe the experience, I'd say it was likehaving my life flash before me.I saw myself as a little boy, admiring my mom as she smoked a cigarettewhile putting on her make-up in front of her mirror. I saw myselfstroking her silky nightgowns with my fingers, wondering what it wouldfeel like and like to wear it myself. The visions fast forwarded and Isaw myself standing in my parents' room in front of their mirror. I musthave been 9 or 10. I was wearing a bra stuffed with my dad's socksunderneath my mom's two piece silk pajamas with a silk. Not just physically, but emotionally too. I felt really hurt yesterday. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish of me. I don’t want to be selfish about it. I just wanted to clear the air and tell you how I felt.”I lowered my head and turned my attention to my plate, eating real food finally. I cleaned the plate and realized that conversation hadn’t started up again. They were still looking at me.I grimaced. “Look, Last time I sat at this table, everyone tells me that I ran from the problem. Yesterday that was a really tempting option. I could have called Donald and hid out at his place for a few days. I decided not to do that. Instead, I waited for Mom to come get me. Last night I found out that Beck and Lana didn’t even know about the study Dr. Spencer wants me to be part of. That was kind of important and it’s been happening over the last few days since she had me take that test. I’m not trying to make everyone feel bad and I’m sorry because clearly I am. I’m just trying not to make the.
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